My first Mother’s Day without my little girl

I am absolutely DREADING the arrival of Mother’s day this weekend.  I have been thinking about it for months now.  I miss her so much and the fact that the little girl who made me a mother is no longer with us, breaks my heart in a way that is unexplainable.  When I think about the early days, when I was a brand new mommy, one story in particular comes to mind.

The first night we brought her home from the hospital, I was a nervous wreck….as many first time parents are.  I was worried about everything I did.  I didn’t want to hurt her putting her little clothes on, I was worried if I was feeding her enough, changing her diaper enough….just everything.  A few of our friends wanted to stop by that evening to visit and see the new baby.  When they arrived I was panicking about Cayden not eating.  And when I say panicking….I mean hysterically crying and telling Brent he had to call the pediatrician immediately!  We had been home for hours and I was trying to breast feed and she just wasn’t eating and she was upset (of course, so was I).  Brent calmed me down and called the doctor.  They suggested to feed her a few ounces of formula to fill her tummy a little, so she could be calm for breast-feeding.  Once we gave her a bottle of formula, she settled right down and fell asleep.  Crisis averted 🙂  Of course, by that point,  I had scared the crap out of my pregnant friend that was over 🙂
I often think to myself “why my baby? why take a little girl who was so loved by everyone?”  Cayden was a wonderful child, and everyone who came into her life absolutely adored her.  She had such an infectious personality.  There are so many children in the world who are unwanted and unloved….its such a sad thing.  Then here is this little girl who has parents, family and friends who would give her any and everything she wanted.  Life just doesn’t make sense.
I have been back and forth in my head about how I feel this Mother’s Day;  Whether I feel like celebrating or ignoring it completely….not that I guess its even possible to ignore.  In the end, I think I should celebrate, because after all, that’s what Cayden would want.
My brother said something very sweet soon after she passed.  He said, “You know, a lot of people go through all kinds of hardships.  We can rest easy knowing that her life, although short, was perfect.  No one was ever mean to her, she never knew hate or fear.  She lived a sweet and perfect life”.  Uncle Josh could not be more correct. I will keep his words in mind for my first Mother’s Day without her.  I will remember the wonderful Mother’s Day’s I did share with her, and know that, I was a good mom to her and gave her a wonderful life that I can be proud of.
❤ Love you to the moon and back Cadybug
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Mother’s Day 2012
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Mother’s Day 2013
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Mother’s Day 2014

5 thoughts on “My first Mother’s Day without my little girl

  1. You are one of the strongest Moms I have ever met. We are sending beautiful Pink vibes to your family on this special day. Your brother’s words are perfect, and your shared thoughts will shine through the clouds forever.

    Liked by 1 person

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