Two weeks ago today I lost my baby girl. There isn’t a second that goes by that I don’t think about her. I wanted to start a blog because I think writing about how I feel, what goes on in my mind and how I learn to be me in the regular world again will, in some ways, help me cope with this terrible loss.
Currently, night-time is the worst. It’s when you have the most time to think. Think about the fun things you did together, think about what you would be doing right now if she was there with you, think about the night that it happened and what you could have done differently…the thoughts never stop.
Last night I had a dream that Cayden fell down and hurt her knee and she was crying for me. In my dream I could hear her little voice perfectly, see her little face…everything. It was so real, it was like she was right there. I picked her up and she gave me a big hug, and I could feel her wrap her little arms around me like she used to do and squeeze soooo tight. It felt so real. When I opened my eyes, I immediately realized it was just a dream, she wasn’t there. It is moments like that when I cry the most.
Cayden gave the BEST hugs….I miss her hugs most of all. She would wrap her arms around your neck so tight and squeeze with all her little might. I loved it. I would give anything right now to feel one of those hugs again. After I would put her to bed at night, she would call my name. I would ask, “Cayden, what do you need baby? Its time to go to sleep..” and she would say, “I just need a hug mommy”. I think that’s why I dream about the hugs.
I know the memory of Cayden and everything we did together will forever live within my mind and I will cherish them always. I’m so glad I took so many wonderful pictures and videos of her while she was here with us to look back at and smile when I have a tough day. I hope that keeping a blog about my memories of her and the special things that make her unique, will help me to remember the little things years down the road. I also hope that me sharing these little daily memories of her will help other people who were close to Cayden or people who have suffered a loss of any kind, to be able to smile thinking back to a fun memory with the person they miss.
Love you to the moon and back Cadybug ❤